Vipassana Guatemala: images and memories

A few miscellaneous memories.

The course was the 15th course since the inception of Vipassana Guatemala in 2007, basically propelled forward by a group of local enthusiastic meditators. It was incredible how much effort and time had gone into organising one of these courses without the readymade infrastructure that we enjoy in the West.

The courses are held at Finca La Milagrosa, a large property previously used for religious purposes, though most of the religious paraphernalia is covered with discreet brown paper around the property. The rooms are tidy and clean, though spartan as if one was staying at a monastery - basically a perfect setting.

The gardens are not huge but full of fruit trees and suitable for walking. The men´s side even had a little hill that one could climb, but the women´s side was all flat. Every morning the sunrise would peek over a row of pine trees that lined the front of the property, and some mornings with the misty clouds made for a beautiful sight. The days were warm and the nights modestly cold.

Though I knew exactly was up ahead, I had no idea how this course would go. Each time is so different for so many reasons. The biggest physical struggle for me was an awful thoracic back pain that lasted from Day 3 to Day 6. It was so bad that I considered leaving on Day 3 as I couldn´t imagine sitting there any longer. I imagined all sorts of things wrong with me - did I have an undiagnosed spinal cord tumour? transverse myelitis? my mind really went wild. On Vipassana day I also had a deep pain in my right shoulder (usually my good shoulder!) which stayed with me through that long afternoon session, the first adhittana session. I don´t even know how I got through those sessions when I was in so much pain, but it all passed, as everything always does.

Mentally I had a bad day on day 1 and spent the entire 6pm group meditation session crying. It stopped at some time though, the tears dried, and I realised that tears are really made of salt because they made crystalline tracks down my face. There is also a trajectory for tears - they fall down your face and land in a certain way. The rest of the days were not bad, around day 5 I started thinking of all the children whose deaths I had seen. I spent time recalling them and their families, and said goodbye to them in my head. The day after that I did the dying adults (not so many memorable ones) and the day after that I did all the grievances during my training. Then I asked myself if there were other outstanding issues, and worked through those. After that I felt like I was free and unburdened.

Coming out of silence is always really hard for me. The first time in 2003 I was overwhelmed and like most new students, I just went around chattering with everyone and anyone. The second time in 2013 I spent most of the day walking and talking with Kim, a much gentler emergence. This time I had gone to the course with the other Aussie girls Emma and Brei so I spent a lot of the day talking to them, but also met a few other people. It was awfully noisy. My throat was so scratchy and I found it a great effort to talk. But before we knew it, it was the morning of day 11, another beautiful day to head out into the Guatemalan sunshine, to our separate adventures.

Vipassana Guatemala: food and dreams (part 2)

Day 6

Breakfast: beans & tortillas 

Lunch: vegetable curry with potato, pumpkin & peas (a new cook?), lettuce salad, pink lemonade

another lost dream - will it ever come back to me?

sore right ankle - Jack island - US led Israeli base - list of prices - warning 17yo guide - TW temple - giant TVscreen - escape from police - a tall fence - 2 guys - Japan hotel- where to next?

Day 7

Breakfast: granola, mango

Lunch: red kidney bean stew, spinach and pasta soup, mole sauce with bananas (utterly delicious)

1. 

I am walking along Wulumuqi Rd in the northern direction, looking for a post office to post a map to Mongolia. It feels like I´m part of the amazing race and I am alert looking around for my competitors. Star comes up next to me and offers to help me. We turn right onto Fuxing West Rd but it is hard to see where the post office is.

We walk past a truck labelled Mr &Mrs Pizza with plastic models of fat mascots in the tray of the truck. Then we come to a playground where all the play equipment looks rather strange. I tell him that there was no such playground here when I was young and I wonder when it was built. On the other side of the playground is a swimming pool, with the weeds growing into the side of the pool. We walk closer to take a look and one end is 4m deep.

Such a deep pool right next to a playground? What a disaster. I think to myself, and wake up.

2. 

This dream starts inside a boarding house. It is really dark inside as if the natural light couldn´t possibly make its way inside. The rooms are tiny and cramped, each stuffed full of furniture and children. I walk down the aisle seeing all the little kids looking sad and forlorn. I wonder where their parents are.

Then I see Barbs and realise that she is running this boarding house - of course she is, with her social work background and all. She looks older and more jaded. Her eyes have lost of her usual spark and she looks tired.

I gather some of the children including one little girl who looks rather sick, and take them up one level which looks like a loft. There is a big kitchen there and I set out to make a cake. The children gather around me and initially they are questioning, but soon they start joining in helping with cracking the eggs and measuring out the sugar. The recipe calls for coconut but there isn´t any in the kitchen - never mind, I thought, we will just have cake without coconut. 

All of a sudden a big group of adults rush into the room and all the children scatter silently like a flock of frightened birds. A burly middle aged woman comes up to me and introduces herself as Rhonda, Barbs´ assistant. She informs me that this is a cocktail party for the people who donate money to the children´s shelter.

Good, I think to myself, maybe I can point out some of the appalling things that are happening here. Light music is playing and canapes are being served. As I pick up an impossibly small sliver of blueberry cheesecake on a skewer I realised I never cleaned up the cake mess in the kitchen. I duck into the kitchen and push the baking pan with the unbaked cake into the corner. It makes a strange noise and when I look closer, black marks are all over the kitchen bench. 

Rhonda comes over and gives me an angry look, then I wake up. 

Day 8

Breakfast: fried tortillas, gruel made from oats 

Lunch: savoury mole with potato and turnip, bean puree, plantano with hibiscus 

This dream starts in my car, pulling up into the centre of Berowra. I stop in the Woolies carpark (is there really a Woolies in Berowra?) and then I see a sign for a Vinnies in the same block as well and make a mental note to return. 

I walk slightly down the road away from woolies and vinnies and come to an abandoned shop. It looks really interesting with all sorts of antiquey curios strewn around. At the other end of the shop is a locked gate, through which one can see a railway track leading into a tunnel. A man is there, photographing the railway. 

He tells me that Berowra has changed so much since he was young, and asks if I had been to Berowra before. I tell him I used to teach there every week and he smiles. We walk down the road together and check out the ¨hip & happening¨ place in Berowra. There are a number of little shops around and we purchase sandwiches for $7. Around the corner is a store offering an eco village experience ¨try 20min of the beach for free!¨ Then we see an icecream shop but it is super expensive at $8 for a scoop. 

We leave the block and walk back to Woolies. The shops surrounding the carpark have changed and now there is an army surplus store. There I see Shelley arguing with the man at the counter - over a refund of her earrings. One had given her an ear infection and she wanted to refund both earrings but the man would only give her $4 for one earring. I wake up at the ridiculity. 

Day 9

Breakfast:  granola, pineapple tea 

Lunch: vegetable soup, couscous with chickpeas, cinnamony pumpkin mash

1. 

I have been kidnapped and am kept inside a house. There are very few clues as to where I am but my captor is a lady. She is slowly torturing me, entering several times a day to subject me to all sorts of strange things like electrocution and plucking my hair out one by one. One time she is doing the crossword with me and every time I get a word wrong she would punish me somehow. It is utterly terrifying. 

One day I become utterly convinced that she is going to kill me today. once she enters the room I decide I´m going to take her out. She punches me in the head and I fall off to the side, but I get up straight away and tackle her, then I step on her head as hard as I can and hear a crunch. I think I may have broken some of her skull bones, and after a while I feel safe enough to leave here there, an inert lump. 

Then I run out the door and down some steps, at the bottom of which there is a phone. I call 000 and then look for the exit from the house, but I can´t find it. I run back up the steps and the woman is still lying lifelessly where I left her. I look all around the captive room though I know there is no exit from the room. I see a police car and an ambulance pull up to the driveway, and realise that they won´t be able to find me in the secret part of the house. 

I bang on the window as hard as I can, but of course they can´t hear me. behind me my captor gives out a slow groan. I scream and wake up. 

2. 

I am in Shanghai for just one day and decide to catch up with Elsie. She takes me to a shopping mall that has just opened and we wander around the shops. We are looking for a haircut place because my hair is desperately long. She says we must explore all the shops but it´s hard to keep track of where we have been already. We are pretty much lost when we come to a beautiful pond full of blooming lilies, which makes us pause and take some photos.

Coming out of the lily pond, I see a subway station and think that I can take it anywhere so I can get to somewhere I know. I get on the train and it´s awfully crowded. After leaving the station it doesn´t move, stuck on the rails. I think I´m going to miss my flight, but when I take out my phone there is no reception. I am literally stuck. Then I wake up. 

Day 10

Breakfast: bread

Lunch: pasta salad, lentil soup 

Dinner: vegetable soup, rice, chocolate khir

No dreams on the last day, the end of the silence. 

Vipassana Guatemala: food and dreams (part 1)

Day 0
Dinner: vegetable soup with tortillas
Dreams: none

Day 1
Breakfast: fruit, granola, cinnamon tea
Lunch: lentil soup, rice, cabbage & carrot salad, agua de Jamaica

Dream:
Shelley and I are at a restaurant. We've paid for some sort of food and are holding receipts and a copper lid. We are supposed to look for our dish which also matches the copper lid.

We wait and wait but nothing matching comes up. in the end Shelley suggests we take this one dish of beans that is close ish to our lid but clearly not the right one. At that moment Helen shows up and says - hey I've been waiting for that forever! let's get a refund for my one and eat it together.

We walk outside and it is St Andrews square. There are people selling pineapples for 19c and we start debating whether thats cheap. I argue that it's cheap in any currency and we get one. Next we debate the difference between San Salvador and El Salvador.

Then I take out my phone and use a square of green anaesthetic gauze to wipe the screen. When I finish the screen is completely white. Then I wake up.

Day 2
Breakfast: black beans & tortillas, pineapple and ginger tea
Lunch: pasta bake with spinach, carrot &rocket salad, lemonade

Dream:
In this dream I am in a Nigerian village and I slowly sense that I have been kidnapped there. All around me are Nigerians and I cannot tell who has kidnapped me. I'm standing in the square with many people milling around.

Then I see a man in a blue & black stripe jumper and something stirs fear in me. Is he the captor? A child runs by and grab the lens from the SLR camera in the man's hands. I fear for the child but he runs away really quickly and the man makes no effort to chase him down.

He comes over to me and starts asking me about what I know of Nigerian marriage customs. He says there are 3 classes - upper, middle and lower. Marriage between the classes is allowed only in certain combinations, but I am struggling to dollowbthe complex rules he is trying to explain. I am scared he is trying to marry me off. Then I wake up

Day 3
Breakfast: granola, stewed pineapple, banana
Lunch: chickpea curry, coleslaw, ceviche of green mango, steamed plantain

Dreams:
1.
I am on a bus with Grace and she is trying to explain where we are going. Without warning she gets off the bus and Cecilia gets on and sits down where Grace was. We look out the window and see Thu ha walking along the street. We wave to her but she doesn't see us. Soon we see her again and we discuss how she could be walking so fast to be in front of the bus route.

Then I get off the bus and I am at Central station looking at the timetable boards. It is 1849 and the next train is in 4 minutes. I wonder if I have enough time to go to the toilet, then I wake up.

2. I don't recall the dream now but the keywords I wrote were: crocodile race, black period, smoke, camera to capture

Day 4
Breakfast: granola, melon, milky chai
Lunch: vegetable lentil curry, rice, tomato & cucumber salad

Dream:
I am on level 7 in POW private but I don't recognise the exact place. I am alone in an office with plush armchairs. Suddenly DC comes in and asks me brusquely what I am doing there. I say in a meek soft voice - I am here to wait for instructions.

He doesn't reply but leaves the room. I see a fridge and get up to see what is inside. I suddenly remember I have put noodles in the fridge and start looking through the shelves to find my noodles. But they are lost.

The dream cuts to the seaside and Shabai and I are standing on a cliff. She urges me to climb over a fence and stand right on the edge. As I stand there the clouds are super low and the sky is dark. The wind is howling and I look down to violent waves many metres below. Shabai says that there is gold in the ocean and throws me a fishing net to try and catch the gold. I feel slightly resentful that she is trying to get me to do such a dangerous thing, but I throw the net into the sea. First I get just rocks, then after a few throws I see a glimmer of gold. The wind is blowing even more strongly in my ears and I sway violently as I wave to Shabai that I found gold. Then I wake up.

Day 5:
Breakfast: beans and tortillas. candied oranges
Lunch: leftover pasta, leftover salad, pumpkin with cinnamon and cardamom

Dream:
This was a truly psychedelic one.
I am in the future. I am driving some vehicle when I crash into a wall. I am crumpled inside the car but I climb out through the window and see that I was driving an orange Ford fiesta. I shake my head at the ridiculousness and start walking away.

Then a police hovercraft shows up and shines bright lights on me. The policemen look like robots and have wooden legs. They shout at me in an unintelligible language and I start running. The light follows me but I duck into a crevice and find my escape through a dark alley.

Then I am within a dark round castle and the time is night. I walk around the castle tending to books - I am a librarian? People come in and ask to see certain things. I suggest books and read them out to people. After a while I realise that I am the only person left in the world that can read, and hence I am tending the only books left in the world.

Then I meet a man who keeps coming in asking to see images of the past, of my generation. After many encounters he becomes my confidante and ally. He says that the must be some way for me to find my way back to my real world. We spend many moments whispering in the dark corners of the library.

The dream cuts back to the city where I crashed the fiesta. The darkness prevails and I am walking the streets holding the hand of the man. He urges me to remember anything about where the fiesta crashed. I can't remember anything and feel really distraught.

Then I see Lego on the ground and something lights up in my brain - that's it! one of the clues. I see a Lego duplo store and point it out, but my friend looks at me blankly and I realise he can't read. Then I see a dark wine bar full of candles and realise that this is the gateway. I look up and see a wooden plaquard - the 8 ways McGlover.

I suddenly remember that I hid a silver suitcase up on the second floor so we head up the dark stairs. Under one of the tables we find the silver suitcase and with much anticipation I open it.

Inside there is a bed of fruit and on it, a sleeping baby.

This is the last real baby in the world, I think to myself. Then I wake up.

Dream in Antigua: a decrepit house with rats

If I don't record the dreams or their "keywords" they float away completely leaving just a shadow, a reminder that they existed but giving no clues to their substance.

So here is the dream I had on my 5th night in Antigua.

Jag and I were detectives of some sort though we were not in uniform. We were in the office when we got a phone call tipping us off about a string of unsolved murders. There is a man who is an expert at concealing body parts, so we must follow this clue.

We drive in an old jeep to the house which is dark and crumbling. The second floor looks like it's about to fall off onto the street, thoroughly unsafe for habitation. There is a man standing out front shouting.

As we get closer I realise it's M but he is in his 60s with completely white hair and a deeply lined face. He is shouting at his neighbour - and you! you never help me with anything! I need to dig a hole and you just disappear!

We introduce ourselves and show our badges. He looks at us with hardened and murky eyes, as if all the soul has gone out of them. He asks us to excuse him for a moment while he gets changed as he is dressed inappropriately for talking to police.

Jag and I have a brief discussion as he heads into the house - we agree that I should follow him to see what he does. I creep into the house, trying to make little noise. It's not hard to hide as there are so many shadows everywhere. I see him looking under a bed (or is it a counter? everything is so crammed it's hard to tell) for something. He fetches a shoebox and puts it on the bed, then walks away.

Instead of following him I go to the shoebox and open the top. Inside it is a dead rat with a fetid smell. Shocked, I drop the lid and follow him up the stairs. He is rummaging through the cupboards, a small plastic bag of shiny crystalline white powder tied around his wrist. He hums and sings as he digs, seeming ridiculously jovial.

Ah-ha! He cries. I found it!
Hiding behind the door, I'm not sure if he knows I'm there, but he seems unperturbed and keeps talking to himself.

That stupid idiot, he wouldn't help me destroy the evidence, and now I have to do it myself.

With that he turns away from the cupboard and in his hand dangles a live rat, trying to struggle away.

I gasp and wake up.

Dream in Belize: psychosis at a party

This was a very strange dream. Maybe because of the time difference, usually when I wake up in Central America it is late night back home and I would have received some messages from various friends, so I got used to checking my phone when I wake up.

In the dream, I look at my phone exactly how I would have in real life. I see that I have several missed Whatsapp calls from P. At this point I can't really tell if this is a dream.

I call him back and after an interminably long time he picks up the phone.

It takes a few moments for me to realise that he is rambling and incoherent. He is saying various words which link together, but it is difficult to catch the meaning.

After a while I manage to piece the story together. He says he went to a party where some people were giving him pills. He didn't know what the pills were but he just took them anyway. Then he started to hallucinate and he was terrified by his own hallucinations. He didn't know how to leave the party and there were so many people there he began to feel afraid. Then he met a girl.

At this point the story becomes almost unintelligible as it is mixed with mutterings of apologies and a frenzy of paranoia - please don't leave me! I really didn't mean to kiss some random girl at a party where I was psychotic. He repeats his sorries again and again.

I feel perplexed, then I wake up.

Dreams in Mexico: a university reunion, spidermen feet and Jag's brown goats

Dream 1: A reunion

In this dream I have just finished night shift and have that unique feeling of grogginess mixed with mild nausea and disorientation. It is a rather woolly feeling, as if your soul has been replaced by an insensate cotton ball.

But I am on my way somewhere, and when I approach the giant hall I realise that it is our university reunion. I wonder in my dream - is it 10 years now?

Arriving at the gate, I am asked if I have my registration number by someone that I do not recognise.

Registration? I didn't know I had to register. I complain.

Never mind, you can have number 37. The other person says and gives me a badge.

I enter the hall and there are lots of people but no one I recognise. I feel even more tired than when I first arrive, and start contemplating leaving.

Then I see Neha, who I haven't thought about since we finished university - but her hair is cut extremely short. I say hi to her, but the sound is lost in the humdrum of all the conversation around u.

Then I see M and my heart skips a beat. He looks really different - lean and muscular as if he was some sort of fish. He doesn't see me and I keep walking away from him.

I get to the front of the room where a programme is displayed. The first lecture is how to re-attach a severed head. 

Someone comes up to me and asks if I would swap their number 45. Then Julie arrives with a huge platter of frozen strawberry and cucumber slices and announces it's a paleo party!

I take a slice of frozen strawberry. As I bite into it, I wake up.


Dream 2: Spidermen feet

In this dream I am driving along the Warringah freeway northbound. I'm not certain but I think I am in my own car. Looking towards the left, I see E driving a dark blue van and wonder why she is driving that sort of vehicle.

The car is able to read my mind and sends a text to her automatically. She replies asking me to pull over to a small street (which doesn't exist in real life). As we pull up I see a huge Kennard's storage.

What are you doing here? I ask her

I am delivering Que's baby clothes. She replies.

We get out of our cars and go to hug each other. She is wearing an extremely skimpy top which barely covers anything. As we put our arms around each other she suddenly says hey your pants are on backwards!

She starts trying to adjust my shorts (they are the dark green ones from Uniqlo) backwards but of course it doesn't work. As I start laughing at her attempts to do so, I look down and see spidermen feet. I jump and wake up.


Dream 3: Jag's goats
(Unfortunately most of this dream is lost)

It starts with me and Elsie discussing the size of the house she has just bought - she says its 45 square metres but I say that that is impossible.

The scene cuts to a beautiful farm. The hills are rolling and green, as if it has just rained. I pull up outside the farm gate and walk up the driveway. Far away Jag is waving at me. She is dressed simply in overalls and looks tanned and happy.

As I get closer I realise she is surrounded by goats. Lots of them, all brown goats. She is chasing them around trying to grab them by the front legs, with variable success.

Just hang on one moment! I have to find the right one to milk. She calls out to me. Then I wake up


 

Dream in LA: retirement soup in a supermarket

This dream starts in a non descript supermarket. B and I are shopping, and as we go around the aisles it becomes apparent that the supermarket is entirely vegan. We fill our baskets with mushrooms, fresh vegetables, rice vermicelli.. lots of goodies. B is really excited and almost skipping around the supermarket.

As we get to the counter we see a small display of lollies - we pick up a bag of luridly pink gummies and drop it into the basket. The checkout man scans all our items and asks us whether we want the luridly pink gummies in the same bag or separately.

Will you be eating in or taking out?

I look around me and realise that we are actually in a hotpot restaurant and the "supermarket" is the shopping part of the hotpot restaurant. We take our purchases to a table nearby where there is a gas stove built into the table.

Try as we may, we cannot start the stove. B suggests that we go back to ask the checkout man. When I get there he is busy on his phone and barely glances up. He says that we should be able to figure it out ourselves. I give up and tell him to bring the soup over.

He lifts a giant 5L (the reference came from how in the US milk comes in gallons) bottle over the counter - the stock for our soup. Though it's a huge bottle, it is surprisingly light in my hands. I unscrew the top and look at it - only a little grey fluid is lurking at the bottom and it looks extremely unappetising.

I read the bottle and it says in Chinese:
Essence of life!
For retirees! 
This product has multiple purposes to preserve life
including boosting your immune system
and preventing bone breakdown

I feel confused and wakeup